Author: Court Abbott (FG member)
Has there been a time in your life when you’ve discovered a substantial disconnect between your dreams and the painful reality of today? Maybe the disconnect surrounds your health or the health of someone you love. Maybe you’re discovering that the educational or career opportunities you’ve expected aren’t going to happen. Maybe your finances have taken an unexpected tumble in this turbulent economy. Or maybe your disconnect, like mine, is based on an estranged and seemingly unrepairable relationship with someone you deeply love.
My disconnect started five years ago when our then-22-year-old daughter became increasingly difficult to reach on the phone and via text. Her cryptic responses, “I’m working through some things and will reach out soon,” never materialized into meaningful contact. Since then, she’s changed her phone number and broken all social media ties. I have no idea where she is.
Our oldest child, our 30-year-old son, followed her into the silent abyss of no contact just over two years ago. As a father, I’m now 0-2.
To say these past years have been difficult is like saying the Grand Canyon is a hole in the ground or that a hurricane is just another windy day. If you’re like me, our collective dreams as parents are to see our children develop into mature, well-adjusted, fully devoted followers of Jesus. We want them to earnestly seek and eagerly fulfill their calling. Of course, there will be mistakes and other bumps in the road, but that’s part of the growing process, right? In faith, we keep our eyes on the future where we envision a large, happy extended family. We picture gathering for celebrations, supporting and encouraging one another, and truly growing in love.
What we never anticipate is seeing our children walk away from us.
I’ve read that estrangement is like a death without a funeral. Accordingly, I grieve and lament to God the loss of our children and the corresponding missed opportunities to be a part of their lives over these years. I deal with regrets, wondering if, much like the butterfly effect, my choice of a different word or action during their childhoods could have prevented today’s harsh reality. I sometimes lay awake at night generating endless lists of questions like: Will I ever see my kids again? Will I forget the sound of their voices or what they look like? Will they ever care for me again? Will I experience the joy of being a grandfather?
So yes, I have a story, and it’s a painful one. But, to the glory of God, my story is not over.
- Like the Samaritan woman in John 4, Jesus knows everything about me. He knows my hurt, my disappointments, my fears. He does not judge or assign shame in my story.
- Like the demon-possessed man in Mark 5, Jesus has the desire and power to release me from being haunted and to live beyond the bondage of accusations. He offers me freedom.
- Like the man born blind from John 9, Jesus brings me out of the darkness. He unveils a bright future in Him not dependent on my circumstances.
Since the beginning of the first estrangement, I recognized that it would be easiest to erect a concrete wall of self-protection around my heart and to allow bitterness, anger, and resentment to take root there. However, my consistent prayers since then have been that the Lord would keep my heart soft and open towards my kids.
Thankfully, Christ, in His mercy, has consistently answered those prayers. Are some days harder than others? Absolutely and unashamedly so! While I don’t know what the future holds, I do know that I can share my pain with Him and that He will continue to offer me hope and peace. I know that regrets and past mistakes are covered by His grace. Further, I know that any doubts about the future are replaced by His perfect plan for me.
As I continually move forward with Christ, let me share what I’ve learned over these past years. I hope that you will find these helpful as you navigate your personal disconnects in life.
- Stay close to Christ. We may have the inclination to blame God for our pain and subsequently withdraw from Him. However, if I want to receive His help and healing, I must regularly be in His presence through prayer and Bible reading (see John 15:4-7).
- Connect with other believers. Find comfort in the presence of others. I find great joy and inspiration in actively participating in weekly church services (watching online doesn’t count!) and meeting with our Community Group. I sincerely believe isolation results in more despair and hopelessness as we’re the only ones talking to ourselves. Take that giant (and maybe scary) step of faith to connect with others (see Hebrews 10:25).
- Serve others. Whether you find opportunities within your church or community, commit to helping someone else in need. This may seem counter-intuitive in today’s culture, but serving others even when we are at our lowest point brings healing and hope (see Mark 10:45).
- Tell your story. Like me, you have a story to tell. There is nothing you could ever go through that someone else hasn’t already experienced or will experience in the future. In sharing your story with the former, you find encouragement to faithfully walk the challenging path before you. In the latter, you offer invaluable hope to others that they aren’t alone (see 1 Thessalonians 5:11).
One final piece of advice is to not wait until you’ve got “it” all figured out to tell your story. I know I still have questions, and yet I share. Tell your story as it unfolds. No one is expecting you to have all the answers, as that’s not the storyteller’s responsibility. Who knows, you may find that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).
*We are a church located in Greenville, South Carolina. Our vision is to see God transform us into a community of grace passionately pursuing life and mission with Jesus.*
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Written by Court Abbott